2003-12-07 - 9:46 p.m.

Riptide warnings come

***

Lately I've been hyperventillating in my sleep. I wake up in a panic because I can't breathe then I realize that if I just exhale...Aaaaah, that feels so much better. It happened again last night with interestingly painful results.

I have a nose-ache. Whazzat? Well, last night in my slightly disoriented state, I had a run in with the door jamb. The moral of the story is if you turn out the lights wait for your eyes to adjust before walking in the dark.

But back to the sleep thing, I seem to be a victim of my own denial. It doesn't take a genius to see that if you're having panic attacks in your sleep that you're not handling your stress in your conscious state. The most obvious stressor is my dear old granddad.

I'm going to be admitting him back into the hospital tomorrow because the diuretics aren't working and the fluid accumulating in his lungs and stomach is causing him considerable pain.

My cousin who's been handling most of his care just started a new job and can't keep doing it all alone. I'm glad she's turned to me for help. I also feel really sad for my grandfather, guilty that I haven't gone to see him since Thanksgiving, scared of all the emotions his downward spiral is bringing up. I'm all a jumble of emoti-mess.

The impending holidays are always a rough time too - for most people, not just me. We've been getting alot more calls at work (I work for a shrink).

Finally, I'm worrying somewhat about our upcoming move cross country. I mean, I'm excited but it is scary to leave everything I know behind.

I just have to come to terms with all this and figure out a way to handle it or I'm going to have a lot more sleepless nights.

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