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2003-10-09 - 10:11 p.m. I had a dream that you had died and even though when I awoke you were there and obviously breathing fine from the volume of your snoring it still took a few moments for it to register that it had only been dream and for those few moments I felt such a tremendous loss just like the way I felt after the baby that never was - a sucking void like the feeling you have when your body is racked with dry heaves because perhaps it has been 2 or 3 days since you've eaten and your body shudders so that your head is snapped back with such a force that instantly your head aches and shooting pains rip through your back to your pelvis, and as I lay there and the recognition dawned that while this was only a dream the fact remained that someday you would indeed die and I would be left alone with nothing but the memories of what we had, and what we have now is so much more than I have ever experienced with anyone else and thus the emptiness would be all the more poignant, and I couldn't bear this thought so instead I thought about the time that I thought you were going to break up with me over some stupid fight that I can't even remember the cause of now and how I held those feelings inside because I was so afraid of coming to you and finding out that I was right and you were going to leave and how finally I had to break down and come over that Saturday morning on the pretence of taking the dog jogging in the park and you asked me what was wrong and I told you about my fear of losing you and how you told me that I couldn't worry that you were going to leave me every time we had a fight and as I remember this I turn to you and trace my hand over your face, along your brow, and around your left eye down your cheek, tracing the curve of your lip and down to your chin before shaking your shoulder gently and whispering your name to wake you up so we could chase this bad dream away. � 
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