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2003-02-16 - 6:29 p.m.

I am a bad activist. There, I've said it. I am firmly against war in Iraq and had every intention of going to the peace rally near the UN yesterday. Then when I woke up Saturday morning and watched the early news reports about the predicted amount of people I remembered my fear of large crowds.

Yes, I have a phobia that I believe was brought on by the child hood trauma of getting lost at a parade. So now whenever I am faced with mobs of people I feel that quickening pulse, shallow breath, sweaty palm panicky feeling.

Any yet, somehow, I still love parades. Go figure the human psyche.

Frankly, I am a little tired of the Orange alert hysteria going on around here as well. Myself included, as I found myself thinking that a large crowd like a peace rally would be the perfect place for a terrorist attack. I try to go about my normal routines because I do think that things are becoming hysterical but its kind of hard when you see little boys (all of 18) carrying AK47s through the subway. This is somehow supposed to make me feel safer?! Then I've got friends from other states calling to wish me luck and tell me they love me "just in case" What the heck am I supposed to say to that?

So to make a short story long, I did not go to the rally. Instead I visited my friend who was working at a fabric store and decided to have new drapes made. Then we ate pad thai from Lemongrass grill and I picked out my birthday present from the store next door. (My birthday isn't until April but the store is closing and Sam has butt loads of store credit).

I pretty much hung around and kept her company while she worked. She's been having a rough time of it since her boyfriend broke up with her and this being Valentine's weekend. She was supposed to have gone to Chicago to be with him. Today I went with her and her son to see Jungle Book II and had a late lunch and chat session.

Therefore I am a failure as an activist, but I think I'm a success as a friend.

Drink of the Day: Forgive me

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