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2002-12-08 - 2:17 a.m.

I am in Christmas shopping hell. I�m usually a really good gift-giver; I pride myself on my ability to pick personal and profound presents but this year, I admit, I am at a total loss.

On top of that, my mother is hounding me for suggestions for what she should buy me, that might sound easy but its not.

First of all clothes are out; the last article of clothing she bought me was a Winnie the Pooh Sweatshirt and while I do have a fondness for the bear� I�m thirty years old for chrissakes. I�m moving out of this apartment in April so I don�t want something for the house because I don�t know what my next apartment is going to look like nor do I want anything big or heavy that I�ll have to move later. I thought about exercise stuff � but who am I kidding?! Might as well throw the money out the window and save me some closet space.

You know what I really want from her? For her to stop telling me that she�s praying for my soul, for her to save her money so I don�t have to worry that she�s never going to be able to retire and enjoy herself, for her to find herself a nice man and start dating again and enjoy herself. That and a pair of new slippers would be nice.

As for B, well I thought about buying him a DVD player but I�m absolutely flummoxed. Do you have any idea how many DVD players there are out there, with how many features, and options, bells, whistles, doodads and doohickies? A jillion gazillion, that�s how many! Do I speak electronic-eze? Nope, not a syllable. I don�t know a coaxial whoosiwhatis from an optical thingymagig or why I need them or if they are compatible with the surround sound system.

I thought I�d look online for guidance. I went to epinions, cnet, mysimon, dealtime � I even took a subscription to Consumer Reports online. My head is floating on a silicone sea of perplexity. I�m bewildered, bemused, bedraggled and b-fucking-eat. I give up. B�s getting socks for Christmas. I know what kind of those to get him.

My brothers aren�t exchanging gifts with me this year for economic reasons. I thought we could pick names out of a hat and just buy one gift, or do a real cheapy gag gift thing but they said no so to hell with them. Makes my list shorter by two.

My granddad is the most difficult to shop for. He either refuses or regifts whatever I give him. This year for my birthday he gave me the Outback Steakhouse gift certificate I gave him last Christmas. One year, I was so happy because he actually kept one of my presents, suspenders. I bought them because I saw that his current pair were fastened to his pants with safety pins. So I got him these beautiful thick navy blue ones with good strong grips. Next time I saw him, he was wearing them � fastened to his pants with safety pins. He had cut the grips off. Gotta love my crazy family!

Screw it, maybe I should just get a bunch of gift certificates. Too impersonal? Well, is that really so wrong? I mean, my family isn't very personal anyway. My brother hasn't even given me his new phone number. (He only just moved, oh, say two months ago)

I�m going into the city tomorrow afternoon (shivers of revulsion and terror of the sheer masses of crazed crowds) and I am bound and determined to get this sordid business done. With God as my witness I�ll never go shopping again (she says with a wink, fingers crossed).

Drink of the Day: A good stiff shot, rinse and repeat.

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