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2002-11-06 - 10:28 p.m.

So when did you first realize that your mother was insane? No, I mean full stop crazy. I'll give you a sample of the recent phone conversation that convinced me.

Me: Hi.

Mom: Oh hi! Are you home?

Me: Yes.

Mom: But where are you calling from?

Me: Home.

Mom: Oh.

Lull in conversation #1. I'm not good with uncomfortable silences so I proceeded to tell her about the weird phenomena I learned of while watching TV in Mexico City two days ago.

Me: So did you hear about the earthquakes?

Mom: What earthquakes?

Me: There was three earthquakes around the world. One in Alaska, one in Japan, and one...uh...somewhere else. (Let me state for the record that I was watching the news in Spanish in Mexico - a language I am far from fluent in.)

Mom: I hope its not the end of the world.

Me: Uh...yeah, well nothing you can do about it.

Mom: But you kids haven't been "saved" yet. (my quotation marks - not hers)

Full Stop - what do you say to this? I mean, my mother's always been religious - going back to work to pay for my brother and I to go to Catholic school (my oldest brother went to public) - but she's never talked about my being "saved" before. And saved from what exactly? I'm a kind to animals, give to the poor, donates blood regularly kind of gal. Not exactly scum of the earth. Besides which, this is the same woman who, a few weeks ago, announced that I have her permission to have a kid out of wedlock (not that I have any plans in that direction). Apparently in the war between saving my soul and selling out my uterus to for progeny, grandkids win out. I can feel the heat rising - is it the flames of hell or just my ire.

Me: Let's not have this conversation.

Mom: Why not?

Me: We'll both be happier if we don't.

Mom: Well, then I'll just have to pray for you.

Me: Sure. Well, that's the pot roast burning. Gotta dash.

Some past historical info: I once made the mistake of mentioning that I went to a Buddhist temple with a friend to learn more about the religion. My Mom freaked and said, "You should spend more time learning about your own." See, and I thought that those twelve years of Catholic school taught me all I needed to know - enough to decide it wasn't for me anyway.

Okay, now let me state for the record that I have no problem with religion per se, and I have the utmost respect for other peoples right to have one, to believe in whatever get them through (so long as it doesn't involve killing or harming other humans or animals). What I want to know is why can't some people respect my right to not affiliate myself with a particular religion.

I have no idea if there is a God or not. Personally, I think that anyone who claims to know God and his/her/its purpose, plan, or vision - whatever you want to call it - is arrogant to say the least. But, hey, its probably arrogant of me to disbelieve that too. Maybe that guy on the train who told me that he spawned the world and that the Post Office was hunting him down to kill him and steal his power was actually telling the truth. Call me a doubting thomas, but I think he needed a good antipsychotic.

Oh speaking of psychotic, further evidence of my mother's mental status. The phone call was initially made in reference to picking up my cat , Moe, whom she sat for while I was in Mexico dancing with billy clubbed strangers.

Mom: I've decided that I'm not ready for a cat.

Me: Okay.

Mom: Well, you know I just felt so bad that I didn't spend very much time with Moe.

Me: Well, that's kind of the point of having a cat. There cuddlier than fish, less maintenance than dogs.

Mom: Plus, it took me two hours to find Friskies brand cat food.

Me: You didn't have to do that - Moe would eat anything.

Mom: Well, that's what you brought him with and its not my place to upset your routine.

So to summarize - she can choose my religion, permit me to sin at will for her benefit, but not change my cat's food. The defense rests.

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