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2005-03-06 - 7:05 p.m. I went shopping today for clothes. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. Nothing in my closet fits. A week ago things that were usually loose on me, fit me just right. This week I couldn't find a pair of pants that I could breathe in without busting a button. What happened?! I know that I haven't exactly been watching what I've been eating but I didn't think that I was eating that much more than I normally do. Apparently, I was wrong. Even my boobs are bigger. My entire life, I have been an A (maybe an A+ on the left side). Now, I'm a B. Contrary to my 13 year old self's belief, being a B doesn't make me happier. I want my A cups back! Shockingly enough. So anyhow, I went to target and found out that I'm between sizes. The tens are too tight, the twelves are too loose (unattractively loose). So after an hour of trying things on I found two pairs of pants in the junior section (size 13) that fit pretty well - a little loose but okay. Part of me fears that by buying new "fat" clothes that I'll gain even more weight, but I just couldn't torture myself and my self esteem by forcing myself to wear uncomfortable and unattractive clothing. In the past, this would start me off on a crash diet but I'm convinced that dieting is not the answer. I've come to realize that every diet I've ever gone on (even the "successful" ones) has caused my weight to climb ever higher. In high school (around age 14) I was 5 "4 and I weighed 120 lbs. I could (and did) eat anything I wanted. I was in great shape but I had a slight roundness to my belly which made me decide to start my first diet. I did weight watchers. Ever since then my "base" weight (the amount I weigh when not on a diet) has climbed steadily higher. When I graduated high school, I weighed 129. During my twenties I was about 135. When I turned 30, I weighed 142. Which was when I did my last stint with the cult of WW. I got myself down to 128 again. I bought all new clothes - size 6! The downside, I was completed obsessive compulsive about food. Nearly three years later, I don't know exactly how much a weigh right now but if I were to hazard a guess I say mid 150's. Over the last two thirds of my life I have dieted my way to a 30 lb weight gain! Probably if I had never started that first diet at 14 I still would have gained weight between then and now but I'm convinced that it would not have been half this much. That's why I'm refusing to go on a diet now. I don't want to ratchet up my baseline weight any further. Instead I've started reading "Intuitive Eating" a book devoted to ending the vicious dieting circle and retraining people to recognize hunger cues and lose their food issues and hangups. I'm also trying to restart my exercise program - not as a weight loss measure (though I hope it helps that too) but just to get healthy and relieve stress. I've also been trying to increase my water consumption. Its hard though because I can't go to the bathroom very often at work - I'm not allowed to leave my classroom during a class so I'm limited to my prep period and my lunch. I have a small bladder and so its hard for me to go very long if I've had a lot to drink. Anyway, you're probably all bored to tears by now - if anyone is reading this at all - so....oh crap, I left the iron on...gotta run! � 
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