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2003-12-10 - 9:35 p.m. I'm having a shit day. I'm all weepy and aggravated today, I guess because its the first day I could be emotional. Monday I took my grandfather back to the hospital. The visiting nurse had to call 911 because his condition was deteriorating. Grandpa, of course, didn't want to go so I'm forced to mediate between the visiting nurse, two cops, two EMTs and my cousin on her cell phone. I can't say I've ever really witnessed the cantankerous side of my granddad before. He's a feisty old boy. He's bound and determined to die on his own terms. 7 hours later in the ER he told off the third doctor to examine him. He said, "What're you people waiting on a line or something? As soon as one finishes another comes over to bother me." He also told the nurse she was a pain in the ass. Naturally I was too busy concentrating on my grandfather to handle my own emotions. Last night was my mother's retirement dinner so I had to be cheerful and light. But today I'm crapped out. I hate everything and everyone and I want to smash things. My grandfather, having refused all further tests, is being sent home tomorrow without any treatment rendering the whole of Monday an utterly pointless exercise in frustration. He's basically going home to die. I respect the fact that its his life and his choice but I still hate it. What I hate most of all are the things that I want to say but will never find the words for. Especially since he's hard of hearing so even if I could manage to come up with them he wouldn't hear them unless I shouted. On top of that, its just not how the Alcohol family operates. I vaguely recall my grandfather saying something to me at my father's funeral about bucking up, being brave, not crying, all that jazz. As much as I try to overcome my familial bad habits, I know that they are a part of me. The only person I can show my true affections for is the BF. Pathetic and sad but true. � 
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