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2003-08-04 - 9:08 p.m. I haven�t written about my job much aside from the fact that at times its so slow that I�ve spent as much as 6 hours straight on solitaire but today I feel the need to share a slice of my working life. I work for a psychiatrist in a private research facility where we perform pharmaceutical studies. The data from these studies are submitted to the FDA and basically that is how a drug is approved for the general public. Part of my job involves screening potential study subjects. In reality, I speak to crazy people. Now, when I say crazy I do not refer to those people who are functional individuals that happen to have a chemical imbalance that causes them to suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, social phobia, etc. These are the people I hope to find every time I pick up the phone. Usually these people either lack insurance and therefore need a �free� route to treatment or they have tried everything on the market, it hasn�t worked and they are hoping something new will. It is one of the few satisfactions of my day when I am able to find one of these people whom our studies rely on, and whom can actually benefit from our programs. Unfortunately only one in ten calls yields a good potential subject. The other 90% are what I will generically call �crazy� (I know its not PC but for once let's just call a spade a spade and not a manual earth relocating device) The ratio is understandable given that these lesser or non-functioning individuals have a lot more time on their hands to make phone calls, they are usually somewhat obsessed with going to doctor�s visits � probably a major social function for them � and they are usually looking for an available ear to listen to them. I try to afford these people as much courtesy and respect as anyone else while avoiding getting dragged into a protracted conversation with someone who is clearly not appropriate for our studies. This is no small feat since crazy people tend to rant almost without pausing for breath so short of hanging up the phone there�s no good way of getting out quickly. They also have no coherent train of thought so from my opening remark of �Can you tell me a little bit about your symptoms� I could get a response that starts with �I�m having trouble sleeping and I worry a lot�� and ends with �The problem with women is that they tell you they love you but meanwhile they�re fucking every nigger they meet. They deserve to get raped.� (quoted from recent call) If I interrupt to say I�m sorry but I don�t think that a research study is the best route for them, they frequently become hostile and abusive as in the above call where the man then turned on me and started screaming racial and sexual epithets.� At that point naturally, I hung up. Today�s winning call started out merely heartwrenching as a man sobbingly told me of his war time experiences and the son he hasn�t seen since his wife divorced him. After twenty minutes of his non-stop confessions about the people he killed in battle and the drugs he�s done since he�s come back I was well aware that he was completely unsuitable for the study but I wanted to be considerate and compassionate as I tried to let him down easy. But then he completely changed the topic and told me, �I woke up this morning with a mess in my pants and I wasn�t even dreaming about nothing but if you were to come over here and strip down it�d take me like 40 minutes to shoot a load but hey maybe that would be good for you�� After shuddering at the thought, I interrupted with, �I�m sorry but we�re getting off topic here. You�re not eligible for this study but maybe you should discuss changing your medication to your doctor,� he became openly hostile and hung up on me. And then I went home to take a shower. Too bad I couldn't rinse my memory clean. � 
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