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2003-07-31 - 7:46 a.m. Hormel, the makers of Spam, are trying to stop the use of their product name in connection with annoying and unsolicited email. Yes, the makers of this disgusting gelatin covered, unrecognizable animal byproduct don't want their image tainted by this new usage of the word spam. I remember being forefed Spam as a youngster (it was cheap, easy to make, and my brothers loved it), I think the only thing I hated as much as Spam was my mother's meatloaf (sadly, she had not discovered the exciting world of spices back then...or perhaps we couldn't afford them) both of which I used all my talent and ingenuity on to deceive my mother, make her think I had eaten it. This was before we had a dog, mind you, so it was no easy task. There was the squirrel method. A tricky maneuver, you had to be sure to appear to be swallowing as well as make sure that you didn't let your cheeks get too full - a dead giveaway - before you excused yourself to the bathroom to dispose of the evidence. There were methods of hiding the food under other food. Mashed potatoes were best for this. Of course, my parents began to catch on after too many oh-so-sweet offers to clear my own place. The transfer to the napkin was another tried and true method. Chew, fake swallow, wipe mouth, spit. The trick was to have several napkins on the ready, keeping them in your lap so that you could stuff the full ones in your pockets before anyone was the wiser....at least until laundry day when my pockets smelled suspiciously rancid. If all else failed...faking the choke worked like a charm. Chew, fake swallow and then cough like mad. If you could withstand the hard patting between the shoulders you could then take a few sips of water, fake a few tears and leave the table unchallenged.
One girl I knew made a small hole in her chair in which she would deposit her unwanted foodstuff. Then she would rotate the chairs so that she wasn't sitting on the rotting meat. Her family never found out . . . until years later when her mother had the chairs reupholstered. Yecch! � 
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