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2003-06-01 - 11:16 p.m.

Well, none of my predictions for Atlantic City came true but I did learn a few truths (I believe), not the least of which is the fact that the A-C was too high in A.C. I think they keep it cold to keep the drunks from falling asleep at slots.

I�m not much of a gambler and the weather was awful so I spent a lot of time at the all-you-can-eat buffet observing humanity and filling my face. As I watched people piling up plate after plate (myself included) I started to wonder what the point of shovelling all this food down our throats really was.

I think most of us would agree that as human beings we have a hole inside of us, an emptiness that comes from the knowledge that our time is limited. Call it the pitfall of higher intellect that we are self aware and part of that awareness is the fact that we are all going to die someday. Or if mortality not your predilection, then maybe its our solitary nature. We are all essentially alone in conscience, not a collective mentality.

This void, this wound is the result of that and because its painful we try to fill it, to take the pain away. Some people fill it with physical pleasures like sex. Some anesthestize it with booze or drugs.

Some fill it with religious faith, some with charitable & humanitarian works ( and some busybodies fill it with snooping and preaching under the guise of humanitarianism).

Some fill it with money and worldly goods. Some fill it with knowledge. Some fill it with creativity and art.

Some fill it with prime rib, crab legs, mashed potatoes, denver omelets, tempureh vegetables, chicken croquettes, and pie, smooth creamy coconut custard pie with a cherry on top. And then go back for seconds.

I can�t say that any of these are absolutely wrong or even that one would be better than others, but I can�t help but think that in America, one of the richest countries in the world where even our poor are fat, maybe what needs filling isn�t our pie holes.

So how to fill my hole, and what to fill it with. I asked B what he uses to fill his hole. His reply: Anger. There�s only enough room for one anger ball per family and I'm not it.

Drugs are out. First of all, I don�t make enough money and second, its clearly counterproductive to fill your hole with empty promises of instant happiness.

Obviously the money issue rules out worldly goods, which is probably for the best since I�m such a klutz I tend to break everything eventually.

Religion, well let's just say, I�ve test driven that one and I�m just not buying it.

Charitable works is a good start but Mother Theresa I�m not. I tell myself that I�d love to join the Peace Corps but I think I�d really just like to have stories like, �I was in the Shaman�s hut the day after we built the well and he gave me my tribe name, Ekelulubga.� So I think I�m going to need more than just the humanitarian thing.

Knowledge? Perhaps. I keep talking about going back to school but I guess I�m just not sure of what for.

I�d love to do more creative works but the only writing I�ve done in months is here, and well, Shakespeare its not. I haven�t written a story in so long that when I sit down to do it, I just freeze.

I�m not sure if its simply that I don�t work at it enough, or if I�m just not really all that talented. I want to be more than ordinary. I�d like to think that I�m special, and not the kind that gets their own bus. Although when you trip as often as I do, its not a bad idea to wear a helmet.

In any case, maybe right now the important thing isn�t finding an answer but asking the question. How do I want to fill my hole, my life?

Drink of the Day: A hole-in-one

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