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2002-12-12 - 11:13 p.m. Dear Santa, Since I've been relatively good this year, haven't killed, maimed or psychologically scarred anyone lately. I think I deserve a present this year. For Christmas I would like to take control of the DMV. This gift isn't just for me, but for all of humanity. I wish to spread peace, love and the joy of adept driving to mankind. I propose to do this by creating the following commandment (translations in parentheses for those who require them): Thou shalt pay attention to the task at hand (Driving), the road, your lane, and to no other diversions beside it. (This means no cell phones, no changing of the radio station while changing lanes, and if you can't drive and chew gum at the same time for god's sake pull over!) My second proposal is a revision of the driving test. Instead of sitting beside you, the examiner (AKA Me) will drive behind you. If you piss me off enough, you fail! Addendum to this: You must qualify to drive in foul weather by passing said test in inclement conditions � otherwise when it rains/snows, stay the hell home. Final decree: Penalties as follows: If you are caught driving in the left lane below the speed limit or at the same rate as the car beside you, you will have your license revoked. Ditto for you fuckers who speed up when someone signals a lane change. Death penalty to those idiots who not only don�t signal but simply pull willy-nilly into the next lane without so much as a cursory glance in that direction. Slow death to those who break this rule and then have the audacity to beep at the innocent bystander you nearly plowed into. Paper cuts to punish those people who drive with their blinkers on for ten miles without switching lanes. People who abuse their horns will be equipped with those sissy old tyme Ah-OoooGah horns. Everyone will laugh at you next time your try to throw a hissy fit by leaning on your horn. People who pile things eye high in the back window will have their shit confiscated � It�s a rear windshield for Chrissakes � you LOOK through it. Work with me here! Ditto, for those people who put butt loads of stuffed animals, bumper stickers, and those god damn Baby on Board signs. I�m driving, I�m not interested in reading or admiring your stuff. And you people with TVs in your car � stay home if you can�t bear to miss your show/the game/porn. People who get caught drinking and driving or driving under any mind altering influence will be tickle tortured until they piss themselves/throw up. Then they will be locked alone in a room to suffer their own stench. Then their licenses will be confiscated for good. This is not baseball. One strike is too many, you�re out! Now, Santa, I know this might seem unduly harsh for me to say these things but you�ve got to remember you are the only one up there in the sleigh. The rest of us are not so lucky. So I thank you in advance for giving me control of the DMV. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good drive! Drink of the Day: What are you kidding buddy, did you not learn anything? No drinking and driving. This rant was inspired by BeerMary and my boyfriend B the angriest (and most competent) driver I know. � 
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